It is ideal that a child has both parents growing up. The role of the father and mother are both equally vital to the wellbeing of a child. Fathers provide strength and courage while mothers give love and tenderness. Unfortunately, not all families have both. Some have a father but don’t have a mother and vice versa. Many instances may result in this kind of situation like the death of one parent, abandonment, or other more complicated reasons like the father not knowing that he has a child.
[You Can Be Great If You Choose To]
Suits is an American television series which tells a story about Mike Ross, a college dropout who has a photographic memory or eidetic memory. He can extraordinarily recall everything he reads in a book, even if he had just read it for the first time. His skill was promising and made him aspire for greatness. Unfortunately, his best friend, Trevor, sold a test to a fellow student who happened to be the dean’s daughter. Mike took the blame and lost his scholarship and got kicked out of college. To make up for literally ruining Mike’s life, Trevor rented an apartment for Mike, but it doesn’t make any difference. Mike’s life turned messy as he got involved with Trevor’s illegal activities involving illegal drugs. He also was taking the bar exam for students who were not confident to pass.
[You Can Still Succeed]
One of the most devastating events that could happen in a lifetime is losing your better half, primarily when you have not yet achieved your goals. “The impact of bereavement and grief over the loss of a loved one causes most people to grieve and mourn. It is a mistake to set a time limit for so-called “normal” bereavement,” says Clifford N. Lazarus Ph.D. How are you supposed to move on and continue with your plans? This kind of tragedy can mark a turning point in your life where you can choose to drown in grief or rise. Losing your spouse doesn’t make the world stop spinning. It will continue to do so no matter what, and that’s how life is.
Alona and I are sisters, and I love her with all my heart. We are the only children of our parents who love us unconditionally, although I have to say I may have disappointed them when I got pregnant when I was 18. I was still in college back then, and I had to stop going to school and get a job, but my parents insisted that I finish my studies. The guy who got me pregnant went missing, and my parents said to not bother looking for him because if he wanted to stand up for what we did that he would show up right in front our doorstep.
Some people think that finding a better half will make them whole. Some are emotionally unstable, confused, or lost. They believe that if they have someone to share everything with, they would be able to find meaning and direction in life.
“Sometimes people of all ages feel like they need to do things to make their partner stay with them, even if those things are unhealthy.,” according to Brian Mustanski Ph.D.
But most often than not, it doesn’t solve the problem. It just makes it worse because when you try to be in a relationship when you are fighting a personal battle, you will only pass the negativity to your partner, and instead of moving forward, you will both be held back.
According to Grant Hilary Brenner MD, FAPA, “Anxious attachment leads to a tendency to jump into relationships, becoming sexually intimate before emotional intimacy develops, potentially leading to bonding with an incompatible partner.”
Here Are Some Of The Reasons Why It Is Not Advisable To Get Into A Relationship When You Are Emotionally Unstable:
- You will unintentionally have someone to blame. When things and don’t go according to plan, you will tend to blame it on your partner. For instance, you consult her about a decision you are uncertain about, as a partner in life, she will voice out her opinion, but once it fails, you will have someone else to share the blame. “When you’re alone, it creates opportunity for being more in touch with something inside of you,” says Dr. Niloo Dardashti, a New York-based psychologist and relationship expert.
- You will unintentionally make your partner a stress absorber when you have a lot of issues in life, for instance with your parents or siblings. You have to sort out your differences with your immediate family first before bringing in a new member to it because you might end up giving her tons of things to think about at night.
- You cannot take someone on a ride in which you are uncertain where you are going. It is unfair to your partner to get lost with you. If you love someone, you will try to give the very best as much as you could, and to make her suffer from all the things in your life is somewhat
- It is an advantage when you can figure out yourself first before trying to get involved with somebody else. It is better to know who you are and what you want in life because you know what you can offer instead of being confused and letting another person carry the burden of figuring “you” out.
- When you are emotionally unstable, chances are you are financially as well. You would not have the capability to decide on financial matters. Or if you are lucky enough to be from a well-off family, you would still rely on your parents because you don’t have the conviction necessary to succeed in life.
It is for a fact better to be with someone when you can love and know yourself thoroughly. Your relationship is more fruitful because you already know and accept your flaws as an individual. It will be easier to open up and compromise with your partner when you are knowledgeable about your feelings and emotions and what triggers your weakness such as bad moods.
It also makes it less complicated to know your expectations and her expectations about your relationship because you already know what your preferences are. Yes, the term better half is used to refer to a husband or wife, but it doesn’t literally mean half of a person because a relationship is ideally composed of two imperfect people who have learned to accept and love themselves as they are which what makes them whole.
Today, most people rant on social media. They share everything that’s happening in their lives. Well, not everyone at least. There are those who prefer privacy. They think of their life as something personal, and as much as possible, they are discreet when it comes to things that should not be of interest to others. “Introversion is a personality trait characterized by a focus on internal feelings rather than on external sources of stimulation,” says Kendra Cherry, MS.
I blamed my mother for everything that has happened to our family for the past two years. You know why? Well, she had multiple affairs, and just couldn’t keep her legs closed. I know… You think I’m a repulsive child – speaking about my mother that way. Well, that was me, and I may be a different person now, but I just want other “broken” teens such as myself to learn from my life experience and never make the same mistakes that I did.
Hating My Mother
It’s true that I have hated my mother to the core. My dad neglected us and was always busy with his work and business. I know for a fact that my dad doesn’t even remember my birthday. One time, I messaged one of his mobile phones, which happened to be in possession of the assistant to his assistant, one of his private assistants. I know! It’s crazy! He is that hectic and unreachable that even me, his daughter, had to reach his 5th level assistant.
Anyway, I “told” him that it was my birthday, and you know what “he” did? My bank account had an extra five grand. It would have been nice, except it wasn’t my birthday. If I needed money, I did that once every few months, and I’ve been doing it for years. He never caught on to it. What a life, right?
Did I blame my dad? Hell, no. In my mind back then, “dads” are not the “nurturing” kind. Loving and caring for the children is supposed to be the mother’s responsibility. And where was my mother? There she was sleeping around with our gardener, driver, mover, and all the other employees in our household. Apart from that, she would chuck down a bottle of Jack Daniel’s every day. That’s how motherly she was and why I blamed her for everything; even as to why dad was home once every month, if we’re lucky to have his presence. Their marriage was just “the best,” right? It was my mother’s fault. All of it. That’s how I saw it back then.
My Mother’s Request
One day, everything changed. She miraculously had the time to pick me up from school. It was usually my mama (I call my long-time nanny mama) and that day, four months ago, it was my mama and my mother in the car. When I got in, mama was obviously crying, and so I asked her why. My mother answered bluntly, and she said that she had cancer. She also said that from that day on, she wanted to repair our relationship just in case something happened to her.
How selfish, right? Just because she’s sick, she wants to “fix” things with me? Lucky her! I was so angry! How could she ask this after ignoring me for years? Do you know what I did? I didn’t listen to her request. My mama was also asking me for the same thing, but I didn’t budge. For months, I just went with my days not even looking at my mother’s way. My dad? Like he could be disturbed! He just sent money. That’s what he was good for, anyway.
Reality Revealed And Understood
My teacher approached me a month ago and asked how I was doing. Apparently, she knew of my mother’s condition because my teacher’s twin sister was her oncologist. I said I was fine and that everything is ok from my end. It was a lie. I haven’t been fine for years, but I thought I was good at hiding it.
She told me that she knew of my relationship with my mother and that however angry I am with her, I should make amends. My teacher said that if in the event I lost my mother, I would be devastated no matter how I hated her. Her words crossed my mind, and I gave in. I said to myself that day that I will try to be a better person and forgive her so we can have a good relationship.
Life Can Be So Ironic
When I went home, I was too late. Mother’s cancer was terminal, and I didn’t bother to know about that. If only I listened to her request, it could have been an incredible few months before her last breath. But I was too proud and too stubborn. She died, and it was too late for me.
My mom gave me a letter which came from my mother. Basically, in the letter, she was asking me for forgiveness, and she explained why she wasted herself all those years. My mother was depressed and had some mental health issues. I should have been a better daughter, but I can’t do anything about it now. What I can do is move on and try to release the guilt that I have been feeling for treating her so bad on her last few days.
Counseling Helps Me With Self-Forgiveness And My Grief
Mama said that we should go to grief counseling and I agreed. It’s been a month now, and I think I’m on the way to forgiving not only my mother but also myself. It’s been very challenging since I’m an orphan now. I do try to reach out to my dad and expressed my intent of having some relationship with him. If he doesn’t answer, it’s his loss. At least, I know I’ve tried.
You… Yes, I’m talking to you. Don’t let anger fester in your heart. Love your parents every single day. You’ll never know when they’ll be gone and when they do leave this place, trust me when I say, the emptiness is excruciating. Don’t make the same mistakes that I did.
Do you believe that things happen for a reason? That somehow, someday, all the pieces will come together and make you realize that all you fret about are just a part of something great that is bound to happen? Well, you should because things do happen for a reason!
Some of us are so stuck up in the confusion and struggle with life transitions. “Many women do not know how to cope with change, and depending on the severity or amount of trauma the change has inflicted, women can face a difficult and painful time,” according to Avery Neal, M.A., L.P.C. We fail to get the courage to rise and start all over. But if we let the past control and stop us from going where we’re supposed to go, then there’s no point in living.
What Are The Life Changes And Events That Could Cause Our Temporary Death?
It is natural to feel devastated after a failed relationship with someone who we thought was going to be there for a long time. All our plans are suddenly going to change, and we just don’t know where and how to start.
“Dealing with setbacks can be exhausting, so it’s important not just to push your way back too hard, but to rest and recharge along the way,” shares Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D.
Bad breakups are a poison that if we can’t see past through the pain, it can ruin our lives. Keep in mind that nobody is ever sure that the person we are with right now is bound to be with us forever. Sometimes, these people we meet are only meant to prepare us for the right person in the future.
- Bad Relationships
Breakups are not only for lovers. It can be between best friends or anyone we are attached to in our lives. We may fight and call it quits, and we may feel horrible about it. Well, we should! All relationships are meaningful, and the fact that they didn’t work is sad.
Letting go of people who don’t nourish us anymore is sometimes necessary for us to become what we’re supposed to be. Yes, you can feel awful, but don’t keep that feeling forever. Always find the silver lining and accept that it’s a path we need to take towards success.
“When we’re not in a relationship we really have some time to get clear about what matters to us and what we value,” explains Dr. Jenny Taitz, a clinical psychologist.
- Death Of A Loved One
In life, we are born, and we’ll die. That’s a fact. Although it’s a hard thing to accept, we must be able to find the will to go on. Maybe it’s teaching us to be independent, to see the confidence in ourselves and to find the meaning of life on our own.
We are in charge of our lives, and sooner or later, the death of someone we love will happen, so we must be brave enough to face this difficult life transition and pick ourselves up.
- Missed Opportunity
We are not meant to grab all the opportunities that come our way. Yes, there are opportunities that we would regret to let go, but think of them as a phase. There is always something in between the beginning and the end – the situation now which may be just the beginning, and success.
We all have to travel our journey, and we don’t have to take all the paths. We have to pass by some doors and pass through the one that’s meant for us.
Nobody’s perfect! We make mistakes, and we all fail at some point in our lives. We need to learn from these and move forward. They are mistakes because they can be corrected, and we can do that by making sure we’re not going to make the same one again and again.
Life is all about choices, and we can choose to be successful! We have to learn to have the right mindset that will help us to achieve our goals. There may be struggles, challenges, and traumatic events along the way, but we just need to focus on what’s important, and that is what we’re still alive, and we have the opportunity to make things better.
In Denial Of My Son’s Condition
I was offended by her remark and told her out of courtesy that I will look into it. In truth, I never did. I mean, my son just started school. He has particular “delays” since he doesn’t know these lessons and other things. As expected, he passed his playschool level with apparent difficulty in the Reading subject. Still, he got an F for Fair and moved on to the next level.
He continued to Nursery and what a coincidence! His Nursery teacher asked for a meeting after two months of classes and told me the same thing.
“Mrs. Smith, your son has some issues with focusing on his work. He is easily distracted and needs improvement in his reading and writing skills. Is it possible for you to bring him to a neurodevelopmental pediatrician? They can assess him properly, and we can all help your son with what he requires regarding after-school learning programs”.
This time I answered with a hiss. In my mind back then, these teachers were obviously singling out my son! Why are the teachers doing this? Is it because he is a slow learner? He is only five years old, and my brother was a slow learner too. It runs in the blood! My brother is a notary public now and works for one of the largest law firms in Maryland. He is brilliant at what he does! I know my son will overcome this “slow” period of his and emerge as someone successful in the future, just like my brother. I mean, he is my son! His sisters are all honor students. This can’t be happening.
I Didn’t Listen To The Teacher
The school and his Nursery teacher can’t compel me to bring my son to a neurodevelopmental pediatrician. I was also that stubborn, and I didn’t want to see the situation as a teacher would look at it. First and foremost, I am his mother. I am biased and maybe somewhat clouded by my son’s state. She is a teacher, and she has trained for spotting children who need special education. I didn’t like to accept that.
My son barely passed Nursery and had to take summer classes. When I enrolled him in Kinder, they put him under a certified special education teacher. Within the first 45 days, the teacher expressed her concern.
“If your child’s mental health condition is affecting their functioning at school, your first step should be to identify their condition with either a mental health professional or pediatrician and present this diagnostic information to the school,” suggests Deborah Offner, Ph.D.
I have heard it all before – learning delays
Unwilling But I Did It Anyway – It Was The Best Decision I Ever Made For My Son
With a heavy heart, I made an appointment with a neurodevelopment pediatrician, and it opened my eyes. My son was diagnosed with ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder with signs of ADHD or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. “Students with autism may have unique needs with learning, social skills, and communication,” says Dr. Paula Kluth. I cried so hard that night back then and too proud. For almost three years my son struggled, and I didn’t “see” that.
The neurodevelopmental pediatrician recommended therapy programs for my son. I enrolled him in all of it. He said my son needed Speech Therapy, Educational Therapy, and Occupational Therapy. For a year now, my son has been doing all of these, and the therapists all provided their positive reports. They said that my son has developed since his first session.
Looking At The Past But Moving On
I still regret the day when I was so stubborn. In my mind, the situation keeps on rewinding. He was just four, and I didn’t listen to his teacher. My mother said that what’s done is done and that I can’t go back to the past. At least now, he is under treatment and is improving. “Although autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is often thought of as a childhood disorder, there is an increasing number of older adults who are being diagnosed for the first time,” Katherine K.M. Stavropoulos Ph.D. said.
The doctor also said that it’s not too late. He was just six upon diagnosis and is high-functioning. I do see some problems now that I failed to “look” before. He is different, and now that I have accepted that fact, I will do everything in my power to support and help him.
When I was younger, I thought, my love for my husband was enough. He’s not a Brad Pitt or a Tom Cruise, but he was my Brad Pitt. At 17, I thought, I found my Tom Cruise. I was so in love with him, and I don’t know why. If you ask me what made me fall in love with this person, I’d say I don’t know. I just have this “pull” that I can’t quite explain. As what Kurt Smith, Psy.D. said, “Falling in love is easy to do, almost effortless, but losing that loving feeling is not that hard to do, either.” Sometimes, I get so irritated with myself – how can I love a person without knowing the reason why?
This story doesn’t have a happy ending. I’m going to tell you right now. You see, I am separated from my husband at the moment after 23 years of being together. I am done crying; been doing that for months. I just don’t want to be depressed anymore. I’m refusing to act like a lost cause any longer. This is the life I have now, and six children are relying on me, their mom. I have to put up a brave face as a front, as I don’t want them to pity me.
Familiarity happened. Respect was lost. Adultery ensued. Vengeance and spite ruined us more. Saying to forgive, but not meaning it took a toll. He was and is still a gambling addict. I was and still, am a socially anxious person. We may have married on impulse and made a decision based on tainted facts. I was pregnant, and he was more than willing to marry me because of our firstborn. This realization came to me one night, and it has haunted me ever since.
I used to surrender to him. Gambling was his priority and with occasional affairs here and there – I turned the other cheek and kept it all in. In my mind then, if he came home to me every night, then, he loves me. It’s ok.
Well, you know what, it’s not ok. I recently realized, after more than a decade of lying to myself, that if my husband really valued me, he would do everything in his power to stop gambling and womanizing. Sure, an addict will not admit to himself that he is an addict, but he can choose to ask help from me, his wife and life partner so that I can support him through therapy and treatment. “Gambling disorders are highly comorbid with other mental health and substance use disorders, and a further understanding is needed of both the causes and treatment implications of this disorder,” says Seyed Amir Jazaeri, Ph. D. and Mohammad Hussain Bin Habil, Ph. D. But he decided not to listen to me and continued ignoring me so that he can play cards. As for the womanizing part, he is a weak man. I prayed for his redemption too many times, but he just won’t budge.
So, what am I to do? Do I keep on being like this? Can I spend another 20 years of gambling debts, night outs, women’s cologne on his clothes, lies, and unusual behavior? I put my foot forward and said to myself – THIS HAS TO STOP.
I Wrote Him A Letter
My letter only contained three sentences. It wasn’t much in words, but I’m sure it pierced his empty heart and understood where I am coming from indeed.
I am leaving you for now since I want to find myself and repair the self-inflicted damage wherein you helped me create over the years. This may or may not close the doors for us, and really, it’s up to you now. I am just done with you, your lies, gambling, and womanizing – until then, let’s just enjoy the space.
Your Faithful Wife
What I’m Doing Now
I enrolled in a yoga class and applied for a part-time job as an administrative clerk at the local college. Of course, my one-on-one counseling is regular (once a week), and my therapist has been truly helpful. With some savings, I leased a studio apartment, and for once, I’ve been doing the things that I love.
Our children? Well, our youngest is 15, and he is almost an adult. I spoke with all of them before moving out and asked them to understand me and my situation. The two youngest kids are with me. All the others are in different states finishing their degrees. So yes, my husband is all alone in a big house. I hope it’s doing him good.
From time to time, he calls or texts me, asking how I am and if he can see the kids. I mean, sure, I let them meet and bond. I will never snatch that opportunity from my children to spend time with their dad. He may be a lousy husband, but he is a good father and provider. If only things were different, but they’re not. I guess, I just have to accept the fact and move on. As Darlene Lancer, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist quoted, “Acceptance is essential for satisfying relationships.”