Teenager And Pregnant – But God Had Plans For Me

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Sexual assault is any sexual act, which is unwelcome or unwanted. It is sometimes committed through use of manipulation, coercion, intimidation, threats, force, or a controlled substance. It can range from sexual battery, to threat of sexual assault, to rape. For survivors of sexual assault, talking about your experience may by particularly painful and difficult.Hung Tran, Psy.D.

I wished it was all a nightmare for me on that one damaging evening in October of 1988. The night was cold and crisp, and I just got out of my shift at the local diner where I used to work. Regularly, my dad or older brother would pick me up, and we’d walk home together since my clock ended at 10. But that scarring night, my dad also had to work late. My brother was at home looking after our 3-year old sister who was sick. He couldn’t leave her behind.

 

And so, without reservations in my heart, I told them that I’d be fine to walk home alone. Anyway, it wasn’t that late, and I lived five blocks away. The walk wasn’t that far, and the stars looked beautiful. It was a bright evening. I even assured them that I’d be ok. Oh, how wrong I was back then to think that in five blocks from work to home, nothing bad would happen to me.

 

I was so near that I could almost smell my momma’s chicken pastel. Never in my mind that I would be in danger so close to home. I’ve been walking that path for the last two years, and everything was good, but that night in October, my innocence was wrecked.

 

It all happened so slowly, and almost everything wasn’t a blur at all. Someone hit me from behind, and I fell. Two guys grabbed me and tied me up. One of them had a car, and we drove for a few minutes to a deserted car garage place. In there, three devils disguised as human beings took turns in raping me. I screamed. I begged. I asked for help. I did everything, but they paid no attention to my cry. After what it seemed was an eternity, one of them thanked me and left me for dead. (Some rapists are sociopaths with absolutely no regard for other human beings. Thus, no manner of education will ultimately deter such individuals from harassing or raping another person. However, for some (and I would go as far as to say for many), education will cause them to think before they act in a destructive manner, before they violate someone.Kathryn Stamoulis Ph.D.)

 

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God had bigger plans for me, and he kept me alive. I was eighteen, kidnapped, raped (I was a virgin, by the way), and stabbed almost to death, but my creator gave me air so that I could still breathe. Someone found me in the gutter, almost dead, and I was hospitalized for nearly three weeks. After two weeks out of the hospital, we found out that I was pregnant.

 

My first instinct was to have the child adopted. Yes, I would freely give “it” away. I don’t want anything to do with “it.” I was so angry at them and disgusted at myself. My life was ruined by that night, and there’s a baby to remind me of all the trauma I went through? No way! I want it gone. If I could abort it, I would have done the deed. But God had another plan for me. For us.

 

When it was time to deliver the baby, I was still bent on giving “it” away. He was out in roughly an hour, and the social worker told me that I have three days with him. The paper works had to be sorted out, and a young couple would adopt him, 500 miles away from me.

 

Did I give him away? In three days, I saw that what I had in my hands was an angel. He was my son, and he came out of me. I was so stupid for thinking that he ruined my life. How can I push my son away? And so, I did something selfish, and I kept him.

 

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It wasn’t easy at all. Some days, my depression would kick in, and I’d remember every single thing. But there were days when hope would fill my heart, and there was a smile on my face. (Rape is a massive physical and psychological trauma, and people cope in very different ways with a traumatic event. I have treated women who survived rape and later self-medicated with alcohol or drugs, and many of them also met the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, among other diagnoses.Seth Meyers Psy.D.)

 

I healed, and everything turned out beautifully for our family and me. Someone was brave enough to love a broken woman like me and accept my son. My husband was one of the best things that ever happened to me, apart from my son. He is now successful in his field and has made me so proud. Unlike his “sperm donor,” my son became a good man. I thank God every single day for keeping me alive and touching me on that specific moment when I decided to keep him.

 

Note:

 

From the journal of Anna Christie, New York, NY

Coming Out Triumphant From An Abusive Relationship

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When you are in an abusive relationship, you are most often emotionally broken and drained of your self-confidence, not only half-empty but perhaps with only drops left before you lose the empowered woman that you once were. “Emotionally abused people often come to believe that they are stupid, inconsiderate or selfish because they have been accused of these things so often by their partner.” Beverly Engel, psychotherapist. However, there are coping strategies that can help you deal with the verbal and emotional abuse in marriage or any relationship. You can slowly learn to manage your partner’s manipulative behavior and soon regain your power over your life.

 

Here is a list of tips that have been used by abuse survivors and have been proven to be effective in healing and success.

 

  • Start Your Statements With ‘I.’ In communicating with your partner, own what you say. Speak to your partner in a civil and decent manner, but do not in any way respond to threats, demands, and allegations. You can assert what you want to say, like, “I will not allow you to yell at me while I’m inside the car with you,” or, “I can’t take your rude behavior anymore, and I won’t tolerate it any longer.” You must let your abusive partner know that you know how to protect and take care of yourself. “It can be extremely difficult for a victim of domestic violence to acknowledge that abuse is taking place, especially when it’s not physical abuse but rather emotional or psychological,” says psychiatrist Toby D. Goldsmith, MD.

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  • Draw Your Boundaries. Just as your partner has his boundaries, you must have them too. Boundaries are what keep you safe and sane. It’s how you know that things have gone overboard when your partner (or any person for that matter) has crossed over the lines that you have drawn for your privacy. You may be responsible for keeping your partner or your family happy and healthy, but you must keep yourself safe and happy too. So if it feels like you’ve been drained of your energy, time, and effort for others, it’s time that you spread that list of boundaries and let them know you need your space as well.

 

  • Don’t Make Excuses For Your Abusive Partner. Initially, you might make some kind of excuse for his behavior. “Perhaps if I will show him more love, he’ll change.” “Maybe I need to be a little more patient with him.” If your partner is an abuser, there is nothing you can do to change that unless he changes for himself. The best thing you can do for both of you is to break the cycle, end the usual sequence, and leave.

 

  • Feed Your Soul With Good Things. Read your favorite books and listen to your favorite music. Go to the beach and contemplate about your life. Feed your soul with the good stuff to replace the negativity that you are getting from your abusive relationship. Find time to feel self-love and self-appreciation. Only then will you be able to have the strength to win over the abuse.

 

  • Don’t Let The Abuse Rust You Out. When a faucet drips today and it can be fixed with a simple tape, that’s great. But if the damage of the faucet is so big that the drip keeps going on and on for a month or a year, this will soon rust the pipes and it will be impossible to keep the water from dripping or gushing out from the faucet. Your abusive partner can do this to you – rust you out by his continuing demands, ridicules, blames, and allegations. Leave while you can still be fixed. “Healing requires patience, understanding, safety, and validation,” says Sharie Stines, Psy.D.

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You have the power to come out triumphant from your abusive relationship. Being a victim today doesn’t mean you’ll stay a victim for the rest of your life. Regain your power by first loving yourself, realizing the strength you have, and believing that you have the power to be happy.

2015 Rochester Blogging Conference

The spring event of the 2015 Rochester Blogging Conference is one of the most successful workshops available for writers. The overall discussion and lectures significantly allow attendees to have meaningful participation. There are blogging tips for beginners, advanced online tools descriptions, social media applications, writing sessions for business marketing, and a lot more topics that make an impact on writers’ potential development. The center of the learning workshop is to produce a piece, publish, and promote it. Continue reading

Forgiving Others Empowers You

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Forgiving someone is probably one of the hardest things we can do. It is a selfless act that requires compassion, which is why we should try to learn it. Your most hated person may not deserve your forgiveness, but the point is that you don’t deserve to be trapped in revenge and resentment, and ultimately damage our mental and emotional well-being. According to Lissa Rankin, M.D., “Forgiveness, on the other hand, is an offering of grace – and with that grace comes emotional freedom, liberation from the downward spiral of negativity that resentment breeds, and an opportunity for personal redemption.”

Forgiving Others At Work

We’ve had our fair share of co-workers or bosses who were rude and demanding. Some are there just to exist to annoy you or destroy your reputation by telling fake stories about you. I’ve had the awful experience of getting bullied by my boss a few years back. He would shout at me to get my attention and ask me for a cup of coffee even though I was doing something important. His feedback about my work was usually, “You did terribly,” or, “Was that your best?” I couldn’t even argue or question his feedback.

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Silently, I would forgive him for everything, and I built strength and resilience through forgiveness. Eventually, I told him how much I appreciated his efforts to challenge me and help me become better, and for the opportunity to work with his team. And then I left the company. I left with more confidence in myself and more strength to face even the worst challenges.

Forgiving From The Heart – Not From The Mind

The first purpose for forgiving my boss was to free myself from the darkness that hatred and resentment can do to one’s heart. I refused to be a slave to someone’s unreal opinion of who I am. I also wanted to show others that conflict and other difficult situations can be fixed through forgiveness.

As what Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. said, “Many studies have shown that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who do not.”

If I had thought about the act of forgiving my boss, I think I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I would have thought, “Why would I simply forgive him for allowing me to think negatively about myself and hurting me this way?” That is exactly why one should not use the mind to forgive. Forgiveness must not come from the mind but the heart – because it is in your heart that you feel the self-love and compassion. What my boss did to me was my boss’ behavior, not mine. Who knows? My forgiveness might be a way for him to learn the value of forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is A Choice To Be Empowered

Victor Frankl states that man has a choice, despite the most dreadful circumstances, to forgive to liberate himself.

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In any kind of workplace, conflict cannot be avoided because people commit errors and mistakes. It is vital to accept your misgivings if you are at fault. It is healthy for a company to encourage its employees, particularly its leaders, to be strong enough to find ways to forgive and create strict boundaries that help avoid repeated violations. Leaders, like executives and company heads, who show responsibility and the ability to forgive are most likely capable of creating a better and more constructive future for their team and the rest of the company as a whole.

According to Jason Powers M.D., “Let go of resentments and attend to helpful thoughts. You’ll live better.”

How Productive People Overcome Stress

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These days, it is almost impossible to be a successful professional and not experience moderate to severe stress at frequent points of your life. Yes, all successful people suffer from it (even those who aren’t successful). It’s just that some have mastered the skill of dealing with and overcome stress.

Below is a list of some known effective strategies for overcoming stress when it strikes you at home, in the workplace, or just about anywhere you may be.

  • Learn To Be Compassionate With Yourself. When you learn to see your mistakes with understanding and compassion, you become less pressured, less anxious, and less depressed. Ultimately, people who typically show self-compassion are more productive than those who aren’t. According to Psych Central’s founder, John Grohol, Psy.D, “People with a good and healthy self-esteem are able to feel good about themselves for who they are, appreciate their own worth, and take pride in their abilities and accomplishments.” Most people think that they need to push themselves too much to be the best, but in the long run, it turns out that they are wrong, and they don’t perform their best when they do not cut themselves some slack. Having self-compassion when you’re at your worst can tremendously reduce stress and in fact, improve your performance.

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  • Don’t Break Your Routines. We usually tend to be stressed when we are nearing a deadline or asked to preside an emergency meeting, or about to talk to the head of your company. The mental tension is overwhelming! But productive people claim that you can reduce the tension and the decisions you have to make when you stick to your routines. If you have a daily routine, stick to it, so that you can have room for the new events and decisions you have to make when they come. If you’re used to wearing blue in a meeting, don’t break this routine by having to decide if you should wear red or gray. If you’re used to eating a tuna salad for lunch, order tuna salad before talking with your boss. At least that’s all you need to be ready for, and you won’t have to use your brain to decide about what to eat.
  • Always Have A Little Time Doing What You Love. When you do something you love, it doesn’t add to the stress, but it replenishes you, right? It adds energy to your day, no matter how much effort you need to put into it (it can be effortless too). If you regularly go to the gym, walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes can be effortless routine to you, but perhaps if you run with your favorite music on, it’ll make the activity more interesting, and you learn to love going to the gym more. When you are more energized, you can use that energy to prepare yourself for more challenges.
  • Be An Optimist, Not A Perfectionist. When you have a perfectionist attitude, you tend to compare your work and your personality to others. When this happens, you begin to doubt your capacity to do things, creating more stress and anxiety. You don’t have to be perfect to be productive. You can think optimistically, learn the get-better outlook so that you compare yourself to no one but the previous version of you. “Optimism is all about how we perceive things,” shares  Madhuleena Roy Chowdhury, BA. How did you fair today? Are you better compared to how fair you did yesterday? This is one of the best ways to improve and motivate yourself to become better than you were.

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Try applying some or all of these techniques for overcoming stress, and you’ll experience real changes in the home, workplace, and all aspects of your life. Psychiatrist Melissa Welby M.D. also suggests to “Prioritize health in the same way you prioritize other responsibilities and you will see stress diminish despite a to-do list that doesn’t get shorter.” These have worked wonders for many successful and productive professionals. Hope they work for you too!

Achieving Productivity Despite Stressful Situations

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Sometimes, even though we strive to do the best that we can to get to the top, grab that bonus, or achieve that promotion, we just have other important events coming up, family matters to attend to, and personal situations that need our time. No matter how much we have convinced ourselves that we are strong and resilient to negativity, the stress just gets the best of us. “To shift to a more positive mindset and help you be more productive, psychologist Emma Seppälä recommends replacing your belief in strengths with belief in your efforts and replacing self-criticism with self-compassion.

But please don’t go berserk if and when this happens to you, because almost all studies have proven that stress is inevitable, but the effects that it can have on us aren’t. There are always ways that we can practice so that we don’t see stress as a threat but as, a challenge that can only help us become better, if not the best, version of ourselves. According to Diane Roberts Stoler Ed.D., “There is extensive research on how stress affects your ability to attend, concentrate, store and retrieve information.”

Understand The Stress You Are In. If you are stressed because you’re about to be interviewed for a job, think about the opportunities for career advancement. If you’re anxious about a presentation, think about how the experience will help you improve in terms of interpersonal skills. Don’t think about how stressful the activity is but also include its purpose and its positive outcomes.

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Don’t Overwork The Brain. Studies suggest that when the brain is loaded with too much information, it becomes difficult for it to see the positive aspects, so don’t overwork it. For example, after you’ve showered, eaten, and dressed for work, you then get into your car to go to your office. Don’t turn on the radio yet. Or if you can’t resist listening to music in the car, just put it on low volume, so your brain won’t get ‘shocked’ with the quiet environment it was in while you were getting ready. Think of your brain if you want to see more of the positives in your life.

Get Enough Sleep And Don’t Starve Yourself. A popular acronym for four barriers to success is HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. When you don’t get the sleep that you need, you lose the energy to get up and be excited to work efficiently. If you starve yourself, your sugar levels will drop, causing your mood to go haywire as well. So try to get a goodnight’s rest, eat when you’re hungry, don’t panic, and do talk to someone when you feel lonely or depressed. All these will go a long way to combatting stress negativity. According to Michael J Breus Ph.D., “Managing stress and ensuring a routine of plentiful, high-quality sleep are critical to protecting your health.”

Project Success. When you’re up against a challenge in life, don’t think about how difficult it’s going to be. Think of it as another opportunity to achieve success, just as you did when you have succeeded so many times in your life. Remember that pessimism is a surefire way to be closer to failure.

Don’t Start With Zero. Experts suggest that for the brain to be stimulated to do things enthusiastically, you train it to recognize the progress you’ve done so far. For example, you have so much to do today that you don’t know how or where to start. But you’ve eaten your breakfast, dressed up, and have already made a few phone calls, so that’s progress for the day, right? Jot that down. This somehow speeds your brain up, and you are encouraged to accomplish the rest of your goals.

Final Thoughts

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Stress is not something that we should be afraid of but a challenge to be faced with resilience, positivity, patience, and some of these effective strategies that you learn to live by. With these weapons, you can be sure to achieve productivity if you want to, when you want to!

 

 

 

How To Survive A Divorce

According to Michelle Farris, a marriage and family therapist, “Divorce is one of the most stressful events anyone can ever experience.” There are many things that you will experience the moment you file a divorce case against your spouse. Even if you are the one who filed the petition to end the marriage in court, you cannot deny to yourself that a part of you is hurting. Do not worry nor fret because what you are feeling right now is only typical for someone who has gone through a complicated relationship. “Detaching from an ex-partner may be especially difficult for people who are anxiously attached in the first place,” says Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D.

According to a therapist, many people end up getting hurt even if they are the ones who initiated the divorce.

 

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If you feel or think like you are going through a hard time right now because of the separation with your loved one, make sure that you read this article. We are going to talk or discuss the different ways on how you can survive this heart-breaking moment of your life. Here are the things that you must know:

 

Be Real

 

The first step that you must do is to keep everything real. As much as possible, learn how to accept the shortcomings and failures not only of your ex-partner but also those that you are guilty of. Remember that the marriage ended for a reason. Learn how to accept all those reasons so that you can quickly move on from the broken relationship. Everyone knows that the process is not going to be easy, but as long as you have the will to move on with your life, everything is going to be easy.

 

Forgive Your Ex

 

One of the things that you must also do at this point is to find it in your heart to forgive your ex-spouse. As much as possible, learn how to offer forgiveness even if the other person is not asking for it. Take note that the more you hate your ex, the more power he has over you. In the long run, it can only make the situation worse. If you do not want him to affect you in so many ways, it is best if you will forgive your ex-lover. Remember that having grudge or hatred in your heart can make you unlovable too. As such, you will also find it challenging to get back on the right track.

 

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Think of Your Kids

 

“Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the entire family, but for kids, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating,” stresses Amy Morin, LCSW. Take note that while the relationship has already ended, it is not yet the end of the world. You must constantly remind yourself that there are still children in the marriage whom you need to care. Make sure that you never forget your kids because they need you even after the divorce. This is the time in their lives when they want to feel that you love them more than anything in the world. Do not forget your responsibilities with your children. Otherwise, they will end up getting hurt in the long run. At the same time, they may also seek comfort from other people who can only have a bad influence over them. If you do not want your children to rebel against you, make sure to find time with them. Dedicate your time and attention into making them feel better at all times even if their parents have broken up.

 

Focus On Your Future

 

Another thing that you must always take into consideration is to look forward instead of staying in the past. You must always keep in mind that there is still a lot of things to enjoy about life after your divorce. Focus on the good stuff instead of walking down the memory lane. Take note that you will only end up hurting yourself. When you start or learn to let go of the past, you will have a brighter future. Remember that what is at stake here is your future. If you continue to refrain from moving, nothing good will ever happen in your life. You will always be stressed or anxious if you will continue to let the past affect you. Be smart enough to learn when to forget your hurtful past.

 

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Conclusion

 

As already mentioned above, there are tons of ways that you can do to move on from a failed marriage. You need to believe in yourself. Give yourself a chance at happiness. Look at the divorce as an opportunity for you to start over again. Keep in mind that what matters in this life is your perspective. Continue to surround yourself with the right people, and you will be surprised at how easy everything can be. Do not give up right away just because things are hard. There is something good that will come out from your current situation.

 

Psychology’s Warning Signs Of A Person Becoming Toxic

Since you hold your life and write the stories in it, other opinions don’t matter. That is because every struggle you face, there is always a decision you have to make. But not all of those are going to be beneficial. At some point, almost half of it can cause even more damage to the situation. There are times that even though you think you are doing well with others, your unintentional repeated hurtful behavior counts. “People with personality disorders can have an uncanny effect on you, which is to say if you have a personality disorder you have a really potent expectation about how someone else will behave, usually like a son of a bitch,” Dr. Jordan B. Peterson says. But do not worry because it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person, just human. Self-awareness will help you get better. But before you try and fix yourself, you need first to understand the psychology’s warning signs of a person becoming toxic.

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Can’t Seem To Maintain A Healthy Relationship

You can internalize and wonder why your relationships often end up in a dump. Yes, it takes both individuals to handle it. However, if it is not working and not contributing anything to both of your development, it might have something to do with toxicity. It might be you or your partner who’s at fault. Well, toxic relationships are not always abusive, controlling, and manipulative. Usually, issues stem out from over-analysis. Meaning, those less confident individuals who are in a relationship are more likely to expect rejection from their loved ones. There is no honesty in what one truly feels. In this case, over exaggeration wins. That is because the more a person thinks the relationship will fall, the more it will.

Can’t Trust People And Drain Them Out

It is an excellent attitude to accept that not everyone likes you. However, when you start thinking that people around you, such as friends and families, are only enemies in disguise, there surely is something wrong. It is as if your head is too busy making everything a competition. If it is a friendly one, then yes it can become a contributing factor for growth. But if it is just something you thought as a way to drain people out of your life, then you have a problem. There will be a buildup of obsession over the idea of surpassing people all out. With this mentality, expect to lose emotional stability because there is no doubt no one is going to be there to support your emotional and mental needs.

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Asks For Forgiveness Only Once In A Blue Moon

In psychology, experts believe that toxic individuals always play the victim card. Meaning, these people don’t ever take accountability for their damaging actions. So if you are undergoing a hard time swallowing pride and often ignore the value of apologizing, then all can agree that you are becoming a toxic person. It is problematic because this attitude significantly sabotages relationships and social connections. When you don’t think you need to say sorry even if you have done something wrong, you miss out on understanding others. That attitude makes people want to stay away from you. With that, you deprive yourself of emotional and mental growth.

Issues Are Flooding Everywhere

Always bringing drama to the table is a significant red flag of becoming a toxic individual. These include the habit of spreading rumors and starting fights within the group. When you think that telling grandiose stories are more important than your friends and family’s feelings, then you are in trouble. You can say that the results of those actions will not matter. But the consistency of the habit of hurting the ones you love and leaving people behind is the worst attitude someone would ever have. If you only focus on what you feel, need, and want, you will never deserve to have it all. There is no chance people will like you, stand up for you, and continue to love you without regret.

“The reason most people find happiness to be elusive is that they don’t do the things that they need to in order to experience mental wellness,” says Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D.

Source: jisc.ac.uk

Too Dependent On Social Media

You probably feel great when a lot of people like your photos and posts on Instagram and Facebook. Psychology believes that it has become one of the great contributors of self-confidence. This was also mentioned in Babble and SheKnows. However, when your self-image becomes a top priority than being emotionally and mentally present, it becomes an issue. As psychologist Eric B. Weiser states – social networks may create or reinforce narcissistic tendencies because they serve primarily as self-promotional platforms. It makes you toxic because you begin to rely on an audience validation due to its social media ego boost effect. The idea of that is you become dependent on what other people say. You begin to focus more on what others tell you to do rather than making critical decisions for yourself. You lose control.

If you believe these traits are becoming yours, then pause, think, and evaluate.

Couples Therapy (Recommended Even For New Couples!)

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Couples therapy is now the foreseen solution for marital problems. It is now being used as an intervention tool not only by regular people but celebrities and personalities as well. Even Kristen Bell, the star of the movie “Frozen” is also into couples’ therapy with her husband. That’s because they don’t want to develop mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and more.

“Often, the idea of seeing a marriage or couples therapist sits on the back burner, with one or both parties thinking that it may be a good idea, but also feeling unsure of how to proceed — and of whether their specific problems can really be helped,” says Andrea Bonior Ph.D.

Continue reading

Recovering From A Divorce You Didn’t Want

 

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The collapse of a marriage is difficult enough even when both husband and wife agree to end it, but handling a divorce that you don’t want to happen is particularly devastating. The situation will be difficult to grasp, and your mind keeps asking what happened and where you did wrong. According to Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D., “If you have reached the point at which you truly believe that there is little hope that a fractured friendship or ruptured romance can be repaired, it is important to maintain your resolve and terminate the relationship for good.” You will dread the anxiety and frustration of waiting for another sad day when you wake up. You’ll have to get used to being single again after being married for quite a long time.

Bad news: You can’t escape the feelings even though you want to. You can go to the bar every night, smoke, drink, and go after women. But the pain and the heartache won’t go away.

Good news: You will get through this. Yes, you didn’t want this divorce, but you just need to gather what little hope you have inside you and tell yourself a simple truth – that you will get through this and have a future without your spouse. You must remember that.

Here are some things you can live by while mending your broken heart and trying to stand up from your fall.

Reminder 1. Today is painful, but tomorrow will be better.

While the divorce is going on, surround yourself with family, friends, and significant others who truly care. Talking to others in similar situations can be a tremendous source of support,” according to  Amy Bellows, Ph.D. Unfortunately, this support system, despite their encouragement and presence, they are just a distraction from the actual situation that you’re in. You will enjoy being with them, and they’ll be there with you until you pass out and go home. It’s when you are alone in your room when you realize that you and you alone are accountable for overcoming your ordeal. After helping yourself deal with today by being with others, keep in mind that feeling happy and content tomorrow will be on you.

Reminder 2. There is no shortcut to the healing journey.

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You can’t evade the lesson. You cannot blame your partner for leaving you and wanting the divorce and not understanding that you don’t want it. (That’s her take and yours is different.) And when you decide to go on a date, you start looking for someone totally different from your partner, someone who understands you and perhaps who has everything figured out, someone who can heal you. But really, that’s not how it is. Because the truth is, the healing won’t come from another person. It is an inside job. It must start and end with you.

How you will deal with the changes, the stress, and the pressures of everyday life will determine how you will emerge after the ordeal. There will be scars – everyone does have scars – but how they have healed will depend on you. According to Sharie Stines, Psy.D., “Healing requires patience, understanding, safety, and validation.”

Reminder 3. Learn to release your grip from the things that once were.

It’s not easy to let things be and accept a divorce that you didn’t want in the first place. The change will be unwanted, but it is inevitable. It is a process, but it has to start with number one and end with the last number, whatever it is. It may feel like a never-ending rollercoaster ride, but when you begin to accept and respect the circumstances, you’re on your way to the second step. No, the way is not straight at all. It’s crooked, bent, and rocky. But you must go through it so you will gather the resilience, patience, and self-confidence to live again truly.

Reminder 4. Stop chasing the negative feelings.

Don’t stay close with people who put up with your anger, bitterness, and depression, and those who are still feeling these things after their divorce. Surround yourself with positive people and those who are handling divorce and other issues appropriately. Positivity means going through something but moving on in the right direction. It is difficult, but you must – for your sake and your other loved ones.

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Reminder 5. You will get through this – soon!

If you think you can’t go through it by yourself, then look for others who can help you. Go an extra mile to be with family and friends. Create new happy memories to replace the painful ones. Do something new, something that you’ve always wanted but you couldn’t because you were still with your partner. Seek professional help. Talk to a therapist. There’s nothing wrong with finding professional means to heal. Believe you can – and you will.