I blamed my mother for everything that has happened to our family for the past two years. You know why? Well, she had multiple affairs, and just couldn’t keep her legs closed. I know… You think I’m a repulsive child – speaking about my mother that way. Well, that was me, and I may be a different person now, but I just want other “broken” teens such as myself to learn from my life experience and never make the same mistakes that I did.
Hating My Mother
It’s true that I have hated my mother to the core. My dad neglected us and was always busy with his work and business. I know for a fact that my dad doesn’t even remember my birthday. One time, I messaged one of his mobile phones, which happened to be in possession of the assistant to his assistant, one of his private assistants. I know! It’s crazy! He is that hectic and unreachable that even me, his daughter, had to reach his 5th level assistant.
Anyway, I “told” him that it was my birthday, and you know what “he” did? My bank account had an extra five grand. It would have been nice, except it wasn’t my birthday. If I needed money, I did that once every few months, and I’ve been doing it for years. He never caught on to it. What a life, right?
Did I blame my dad? Hell, no. In my mind back then, “dads” are not the “nurturing” kind. Loving and caring for the children is supposed to be the mother’s responsibility. And where was my mother? There she was sleeping around with our gardener, driver, mover, and all the other employees in our household. Apart from that, she would chuck down a bottle of Jack Daniel’s every day. That’s how motherly she was and why I blamed her for everything; even as to why dad was home once every month, if we’re lucky to have his presence. Their marriage was just “the best,” right? It was my mother’s fault. All of it. That’s how I saw it back then.
My Mother’s Request
One day, everything changed. She miraculously had the time to pick me up from school. It was usually my mama (I call my long-time nanny mama) and that day, four months ago, it was my mama and my mother in the car. When I got in, mama was obviously crying, and so I asked her why. My mother answered bluntly, and she said that she had cancer. She also said that from that day on, she wanted to repair our relationship just in case something happened to her.
How selfish, right? Just because she’s sick, she wants to “fix” things with me? Lucky her! I was so angry! How could she ask this after ignoring me for years? Do you know what I did? I didn’t listen to her request. My mama was also asking me for the same thing, but I didn’t budge. For months, I just went with my days not even looking at my mother’s way. My dad? Like he could be disturbed! He just sent money. That’s what he was good for, anyway.
Reality Revealed And Understood
My teacher approached me a month ago and asked how I was doing. Apparently, she knew of my mother’s condition because my teacher’s twin sister was her oncologist. I said I was fine and that everything is ok from my end. It was a lie. I haven’t been fine for years, but I thought I was good at hiding it.
She told me that she knew of my relationship with my mother and that however angry I am with her, I should make amends. My teacher said that if in the event I lost my mother, I would be devastated no matter how I hated her. Her words crossed my mind, and I gave in. I said to myself that day that I will try to be a better person and forgive her so we can have a good relationship.
Life Can Be So Ironic
When I went home, I was too late. Mother’s cancer was terminal, and I didn’t bother to know about that. If only I listened to her request, it could have been an incredible few months before her last breath. But I was too proud and too stubborn. She died, and it was too late for me.
My mom gave me a letter which came from my mother. Basically, in the letter, she was asking me for forgiveness, and she explained why she wasted herself all those years. My mother was depressed and had some mental health issues. I should have been a better daughter, but I can’t do anything about it now. What I can do is move on and try to release the guilt that I have been feeling for treating her so bad on her last few days.
Counseling Helps Me With Self-Forgiveness And My Grief
Mama said that we should go to grief counseling and I agreed. It’s been a month now, and I think I’m on the way to forgiving not only my mother but also myself. It’s been very challenging since I’m an orphan now. I do try to reach out to my dad and expressed my intent of having some relationship with him. If he doesn’t answer, it’s his loss. At least, I know I’ve tried.
You… Yes, I’m talking to you. Don’t let anger fester in your heart. Love your parents every single day. You’ll never know when they’ll be gone and when they do leave this place, trust me when I say, the emptiness is excruciating. Don’t make the same mistakes that I did.